I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
