Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
