My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
