Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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