ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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