we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
