Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
