I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
