She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
