I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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