If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
