Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
