there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
