he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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