I'm so fucking centered right now
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Four minutes until I can fart!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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