I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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