how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
