guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
