Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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