Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
