Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
