I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
