I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
