Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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