Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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