someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
