Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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