You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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