Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
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