I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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