I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
