I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
