Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
