my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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