well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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