someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
