HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
