I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
