At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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