I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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