exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You smell like stripper and shame
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
