I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
