i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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