Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
