I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
