Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
