just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
