I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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