the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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