I wish I only lived at night.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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